Should I get married?
I have asked myself this question a lot. I have always had my reservations on the idea, partly because I didn’t know if I was ready for a commitment that serious. Partly because being a woman I needed to confront the surname changing situation, and I am not a fan of it. I am not in love with the idea that I need to change my name with someone else’s just because of my gender. Sure enough, you can avoid it nowadays, but still, it is an awkward conversation to have and some people don’t get it. Even though those rules are ridiculous.
Let me tell you a little background story to understand better where all this comes from. Back where I was born, in the year I was born, my country was still in the USSR Regime and people were conservative. My grandparents were born and raised with this ideology and they were passing it to us. When I was around 7 -8 years old, my granddad used to tell me that I will not be a part of this family for life. You may be wondering why. I did too. The answer is because I am a woman and once married will become a part of another family. I couldn’t believe it! Really?! How can someone dear to me could ever tell me this?. Every time I heard it, it was like punching my little woman’s heart with a knife.
I hated his argument, because first of all, I was one of his grandchildren to resemble him the most, and I didn’t get it at all.
Years passed, I started constructing my life and those issues stayed secondary. Then, we got out of the University and a lot of friends started getting married and building lives of their own. At that time, I had decided that I was never getting married if I didn’t want to do it with all my heart. Call me crazy, but I don’t think there is a reason to step into a marriage you don’t want to be in. Even when there is a little munchkin on the way. A child is for life and marriage… some of them are, and some of them aren’t. You never know.
Later on, I got to know a very interesting person that provoked a lot of unknown emotions. I was very curious, what was going on and I decided to explore the possibility to be around and see how it goes. It was beautiful, we liked similar things and activities, we started living together and having a great time. We traveled around, we worked close to each other and seldom had serious fights. I know what you think: “Too good to be true!”. It passes through my head as well. I know that nothing lasts forever and we don’t know what’s going to happen next, but as I am writing this text, things are good.
Time was passing, and we were living our lives the way we wanted. At the time when I finished my Master’s Degree, it looked like I had too much spare time. I started thinking about the option of building a family, meaning having a child. I was sure I was not going to find a better father for it, we discussed it, and decided that maybe it was a good time to do it. Let’s be honest, it never seems like a good time to do it.
Boy, wasn’t this the decision that turned my life around like a tornado. Some people say, it is a big change, my opinion is that it is the beginning of a completely new, unknown life. It starts strong and gets softer with time, teaching you a lot about your ego and priorities along the way. The whole process is a kind of exciting survival in the midst of getting to know new and very strong emotions. Vulnerability had never been something that I was aware of, but with this little human in my hands, I got to know a lot of it.
Surprise, surprise, we became parents three years before we got married. Right now, you may think: “Oh, dear lord! How could you?” Well, we could, and it is OK. At this stage of the history of the World, I still see a lot of people struggling about what will people think. The only thing that I am sure of is that nobody should be forced to do things they are not ready for. It is OK not getting married even with a baby on the way. It is OK never getting married. It is OK never having children if that is what you want.
Going back to my story with my grandfather. He was still alive when my longterm relationship started. I told him one day: “Do you know that Spanish women do not change their surnames when they get married? This means that even if I decide to do it, someday, I will keep my surname forever. Also, if I have children they will have it”. He never responded to that, but also never told me that I am not a part of the family again.
The most ridiculous part of this story is that my surname means granddaughter of Stoyan (his name). And the best part, my Spanish son wears it now. It is a little dream come true for me that seemed impossible when I was growing up. I had no idea people were living with this kind of tradition on the other side of the continent.
It was always a huge issue in my mind, and I accidentally found a way to skip the drama and be myself with my surname intact. (“Yes!”)
We did get married, and I am very happy that we did. We discussed it beforehand: Should we do it? Do we want it? After some time we decided to proceed, doing it our way. I started researching what was the cost of a wedding and it looked ridiculous overpriced. Knowing that my whole family is far away, and a lot of them wouldn’t be able to fly to the island, it was crushing me inside. We decided to go for a very simple ceremony. Only first-level family members in the church, dressing ourselves up and that’s it. We invited a lot of our friends to a barbecue on another day. Later, in the summer we gathered the Bulgarian part of the family and celebrated with them.
The thing is, all three of those celebrations were emotional and beautiful. Everything happened effortlessly and I must say, I didn’t have it all figured out. But it was one of those times when things just happened. Thanks to this, now it’s a beautiful memory.
Oh! I forgot to mention, I sewed my wedding dress on my own, starting three months prior. It was one of those experiments that go with the flow. The dress came out beautiful and it fitted me well. I was so proud of myself, I can’t explain it. It was one of the reasons I wanted the wedding in the first place. And I did get one to remember.
Next time you think about getting married and you find yourself unsure if you want to, do yourself a favor – Don’t. You have to want it with all your heart, so it could mean something. Because when it does, it is worth it.
Should you get married? What do you think?
Leave me a comment below.